Sunday, January 31, 2010

The points are just like Atkins to a sumo wrestler.

Season 1, Episode 12

And we begin yet another episode of Whose Line, once again with a game of "lets make a date".

Brad is the guy from The Price Is Right who announces the showcases, Colin is the world's biggest glutton, and Ryan is a talking chicken who has trouble laying an egg. So a constipated chicken, basically.

"Om nom nom"

Ryan picks up 1000 points, despite being killed and eaten by Colin.

Next, Brad and Wayne sing a 60's rhythm and blues song to Dana, a Dental Hygienist (because "dentist" wasn't good enough, apparently).

"Dana, give me some Novocaine-a!”

Dana picks up 2000 points, taking the lead.

Colin then does a Newsflash concerning what appears to be monkeys having a snowball fight.

Pictured: Monkeys.

No points for Colin.
Although I will say that we need more tv shows that involve monkeys doing strange activities. Like jousting.

This is the first picture that came up
when I did a Google search for
"Jousting Monkeys". Although
I'm also quite curious about that
"Jesus Shaves" thing in the background.

Moving Film, TV, and Theater styles: Birdman of Alcatraz.

Well, it superficially resembles Sumo Wrestling.

The audience takes the lead with 1,000,000 points.

Finishing up the show is a Telethon for NBA players. Because they need the cash.

These are not the NBA players.

No one gets anything out of this, least of all the NBA players.

Final tally:
Brad: 0
Wayne: 0
Colin: 0
Ryan: 1000
Dana: 2000
Audience: 1,000,000
Total: 1,003,000

The audience has the most points, but Wayne gets the victory.

Cumulative total: Season 1; episodes 1-12: 5,017,422.5

Bonus Theological Content: If you don't care about theology, go do something else.

Today's topic is sovereignty. People complain about God a lot. A lot.
"If God is good, why is there suffering?"
"Why didn't God make the world differently?"
"Why does my life suck?"
"Why is Disney still producing musical 'artists' "?

Really, that's presuming far too much. Can anyone really honestly say that they think they could do a better job? Let's assume that God is omniscient; that is, he knows all. Literally all. This means he has taken every possible factor into account. Can a finite person really claim to know better?

Then there's the matter of a lack of foresight. We complain about suffering in this world as if this world is all that matters. I would think that God is aware of more than that. Such as, oh...the afterlife, maybe? What suffering we put up with in this life may very well turn out to be largely irrelevant or minor in the grand scheme of things.

But that's just a side issue.

The real issue of sovereignty here is this: say that God really doesn't have any particular reason for making the world the way it is other than he wanted it that way? Can we really say that something is wrong with that? I don't think so. God defines "right" and "wrong". He could have created a world that was just one big fight to the death, purely for his own amusement, and it would still be, in the strictest sense, "right". God is not answerable to a "higher" standard. He is the standard.

Sure, we may not like it, but that does not make it "wrong". We wouldn't call the author of a book a bad person because he allows the characters in the book to suffer. Then why would we call God "bad" when he allows people in the world to suffer? Surely there is a greater gap between the being that quite literally defines reality and the lesser beings that he "wrote" from scratch. Even authors do not truly create characters; they merely build them out of existing materials; emotions and motivations. Do they really have any right to rebel against the author that wrote them?

Okay, rambling over. Go do something useful with your life.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

The points are just like secondary characters to Captain Kirk

Season 1, Episode 11

Once again, we begin the episode with a game of Lets Make A Date.

Wayne is Bill Clinton, Colin is being eaten by army ants, and I'm not going to say what Ryan is, because I'm trying not to think about it.

And this is why.

All you need to know about Ryan is that Drew docks him 100 points.

Next up is Film, Tv, and Theater Styles; featuring Greg attempting to get Ryan's bees to stop attacking his cattle. Yes, I know, it makes no sense.

This is supposed to be Kabuki,
something which Greg and Ryan have
evidently never actually seen.

Greg gets 2000 points.

The Next game is Hats.

Nobody gets any points for this one.

Moving on, we have Weird Newscasters. Greg is Captain Kirk:

Wayne is constantly speeding up and slowing down, and Ryan is a rock star:

That's what this is supposed to be.

500 points for everyone.

We finish up with Greatest Hits: Songs of the Postal Worker.

I really have nothing witty to say.

No points here.

Final Tally:
Greg: 2000
Wayne: 1,000,500 (he got one million points (for next show) in the last show, remember?)
Colin: 500
Ryan: 400
Total: 1003900

Wayne has the most points, but Colin and Ryan officially win.

Cumulative Total; Season 1, Episodes 1-11: 4,014,422.5

Friday, January 29, 2010

The points are just like earthquakes to an astronaut.

Season 1, Episode 10

This episode starts of with a Questions Only soap opera.

"I'd rather not have a real
man in my life, thanks."

Fortunately, not too many long lost relatives show up. Unfortunately, no one gets any points.

Next, Wayne sings a gospel song to Sheila the immigration worker.

"Can't stop my love from jumpin' your fence!'

Wayne gets 1,000,000 points...for the next show. I'll add them then. So functionally, he has no points for this game.

Now we have a Newsflash, which seems to feature the 1950's equivalent of Baywatch.

"Of course all these people
are from the senate."

And I thought that the country was in bad shape before...No points.

Drew also says that if you keep track of the points, you can enter a drawing and win a chance to watch Whose Line in the comfort of your own home. I would like you to know that I have won that drawing.

Moving on, we have Sound Effects, with Colin as an Eastern European Gymnast, who needs perfect scores.
Immediately preceding this pose was
the most graceful and beautiful
rhythmic gymnastics routine
ever performed.

Colin receives, no points, because he apparently doesn't know that events like discus throwing and pole-vaulting are track and field events. Although I'm sure combining track and field with gymnastics would certainly be interesting. Especially javelin throwing.

Newscasters is up next, with Colin being the target of rumors about his inability to be a good date.

"I didn't know your
shirt was flammable!"

Wayne also gets locked out of his car, and Ryan traumatizes a guy in the audience.

"Call me."

Everybody gets 1000 points for their trouble.

Last of all is Scene to Rap, which once again demonstrates the timeless truth that no one on Whoseline other than Wayne is capable of rapping.

They can, however, stop
and earthquake with the
power of Riverdance.

No points, though.

Final tally:
Wayne: 1000 (1,000,000 for next show)
Denny: 1000
Colin: 1000
Ryan: 1000
Total: 4000

It's a four way tie, and Denny is arbitrarily picked as the winner.

Cumulative total, Season 1, Episodes 1-10: 3,010,522.5

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The points are just like an ice hockey rink in Tunisia.

Season 1, Episode 9

And it's time for yet another episode of Whose Line. This episode starts out with a game of Superheroes, and as usual, they are probably the most incompetent and completely-not-useful-at-all-to-have-in-a-crisis people ever. We have:
  • Fruit and Vegetable Man (with the power to be more healthy than Beef and Pork Man, but slightly less healthy than the Whole Wheat Kid)
  • Ice Hockey Kid (with the power to be like Happy Gilmore, only less annoying)
  • Irate Film Director Boy (with the power to...basically be Colin Mochrie during a game of Hollywood Director)
  • Playful Licking Puppy Boy (with the power of heart!*)

"Flaming Carrots of St. Sebastian!"

Well, this game certainly gave us what is quite possibly the best exclamation ever. I need to work that into my speech. Everyone gets 100 points except Colin, who gets -1000 for mentioning Pauly Shore.

Moving on, Wayne sings a Luther Vandross song about English Literature to Jennifer.
Hope Wayne knows his Chaucer and Tolstoy.

"I don't call if you call me Chaucer, or maybe Tolstoy!"

Okay, I guess he does. Man, is there anything that Wayne Brady can't do? He gets 1000000 points.

Next up is Weird Newscasters.

Greg is a Gremlin.

Wait, that's not right. They're probably talking about this.
Or maybe

You'd think if you were getting gnawed on like that,
you'd be more than slightly annoyed.

That's more like it.

Wayne is an overly emotional preacher at a funeral, and Ryan is being attacked by increasingly ferocious animals. Nobody gets any points though.

Next up is Greatest Hits: Songs of the Lifeguard.

Well, it's no Baywatch theme song, that's for sure.

Laura Hall gets 1000 points.

Closing the scoring portion of the episode is Party Quirks.

Wayne is rapidly aging, Colin is the many roles of Charlton Heston, and Ryan is an eagle struggling to lift heavy things, leading to the inevitable joke:

Yep, there it is.

No points for anyone, though Ryan should consider himself lucky he didn't go into the negatives.

Final Tally:
Greg: 100
Wayne: 1000100
Colin: -1000
Ryan: 100
Laura: 1000
Total points: 1000300

Wayne has more points than anyone else, but Greg wins, because Drew says so.

Cumulative Total: Season 1, Episodes 1-9: 3,006,522.5

If you don't get it, watch this. When I was a kid I wanted to have the power of fire.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The points are just like an Aqualung to an octopus.

Season 1, Episode 8

And so we begin yet another episode.

Guess what game we're starting with. Yup. "Let's make a date". Wayne is an Italian Opera Singer, Colin turns into a pig, and we learn far more about Ryan's subconscious than we ever wanted to know. I will say no more concerning that, lest I have to scrape my brain off again.

It's not as disturbing in context, really.

Colin gets 1000 points.

Then Wayne begins to channel the spirit of Louis Armstrong, for the purpose of singing about swimming lessons. And yes, he manages to work some form of innuendo into it.

"If I was drowning would you
give me CPR?"

He also apparently thinks that Aqualungs are sexy. Or maybe he's just a fan of Jethro Tull.
Drew once again awards one million Louis Armstrong.

Next up is props.

A chestburster from Alien as
envisioned by Dr. Seuss.

No points here, and also Colin and Wayne are disturbing as barnyard animals.

Also, Drew pities me for keeping track of the points. Doesn't bother me. If people pity you they're more likely to give you stuff for free.

Party Quirks is up next. Wayne is a pinball, Colin is a chicken with his head cut off, and Ryan is every Alfred Hitchcock movie ever.

It makes sense in context.

Colin gets 1000 points. I've seen a chicken get it's head cut off, and Colin pretty much nailed it.

The final scoring game is Greatest Hits: Songs of the Butcher. I will never be able to use a meat tenderizer without having to scour my mind afterwards.

Someone has certainly
been smoking something.

No points.

Final Tally
Ryan: 0
Louis Armstrong:1000000
Total: 1002000

Louis Armstrong wins, but he's not on the show, so Ryan and Colin pick up the win.

Cumulative Total: Season 1, Episodes 1-8: 2,006,222.5

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The points are just like broccoli to a four year old: completely worthless.

Season 1, Episode 7

We start off this episode with a Daytime Talk Show about Hansel and Gretel. Ryan claim that the witch never paid him for putting the finishing touches on the candy house, which the witch (Colin) claims that he...she?


Okaaay.... Claims that she is just a victim of bad press. In any case, building your house out of edible material is a bad call. But candy? That's just asking for trouble. At least it didn't turn into a Jerry Springer-style free for all.

I stand corrected.

Hansel and Gretel each get 100 points, despite not being involved in the game.

Now Wayne gets to show off by singing a ballad to May, a baker.

Now I'm hungry. Thanks for singing
about food, Wayne.

Greg gets 100 points for tapping his toes in the background. If we're giving out points for that, I think I should get some. Anybody can tap their toes.

Next is Moving People. Colin is...rather incompetent as a motorcycle cop who pulls Ryan over.

Somebody is going to get written up for this.

No points here. Move along.

Now we have props:

Nice hat.

That's really all that there is to say about it. No points.

On to Party Quirks: where an encyclopedia salesman can join the party despite being suspiciously hairy.

"I'm not a chimp. I'm a..
drunk acrobat."

Colin manages to condense "Gone with the Wind" into something like %.05 of it's actual length, but gets no points. Just like everyone else.

Hoedown: no points here. No picture either. A static picture of somebody singing is boring.

Final Tally:
Greg: 100
Wayne: 0
Colin: 0
Ryan: 0
Hansel: 100
Gretel: 100
Total: 300

It's a 3-way tie between Greg, Hansel, and Gretel, point wise, although Wayne takes home the victory.

Cumulative total, Season 1, Episodes 1-7: 1004222.5

Monday, January 11, 2010

The points are just like a Hairdresser to Colin Mochrie

Season 1, Episode 6

Aaaannnd we're back. And guess which game we're starting off with? Yup, "Let's Make A Date". It's a good starting game.

We have Brad as a stressed out hairdresser, Colin giving birth, and Ryan as a loudmouthed sports fan.Brad looks at Colin and realizes that the
situation is hopeless. Ryan looks at Colin and
sees an invisible baby.
Everybody gets 50 points.

Next up is Sound Effects, with Colin as the (extraordinary incompetent) Lone Ranger, attempting to foil a train robbery. Or something.

This is apparently what foiling a train robbery looks like.

The points are awarded by shoe size this round. Apparently this means that Colin doesn't have feet, because he gets no points. And Ryan's shoe's are too big to be measured by any number, so he doesn't get any points either.

Moving on is Daytime Talk Show. This guy:
Excuse the crappily drawn arrow.

suggests the use of the Three Little Pigs. Ok. Rather than going the "Jerry Springer" route, this game becomes a social satire of race relations using barnyard animals as metaphorical symbols of ethnic groups.* It concludes in a surprisingly heartwarming fashion.

Because this totally happens all
the time on Jerry Springer.

*or maybe Ryan is just making fun of people who end up on Jerry Springer.

Unfortunately, this is a non-scoring round.

Props is next.

Dr. Seuss would be proud.
100 points to Brad.

And now we go join Ryan, Colin, and Brad in a game of Helping Hands, as they try (and fail) to make a pizza, violating pretty much every conceivable health code in the process.

On second thought, let's
go to Papa John's.

We finish up the scoring section of the show with Hoedown, which I did not provide a picture of because Hoedown is a visually boring game. So here's a video.

Final Tally:
Brad: 150
Kathy: 50
Colin: 50
Ryan: 50
Total: 300

Brad has more points than anyone else, but the official winner is "Lewis, from the Drew Carey Show!". Otherwise known as Ryan.

Cumulative Points, Season 1, Episodes 1-6: 1003922.5

Now that you've read this, go do something useful to society.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

The points are just like the Internet to an Amish man.

Season 1, Episode 5

And here we go.

We start out with yet another "Let's make a Date". Featuring Brad as an Amish guy (not Sean Connery). Colin also gets to go to the dentist, and Ryan turns into a parrot. A very tall parrot.
Karen gets 1000 points for being cute, even though she gets Brad confused with Sean Connery.

Pictured: Not Sean Connery

Next up is song styles. Brad sings a rousing ballad about political science to Naroshi (no idea how that's spelled), and actually manages to come up with some (incredibly strained) rhymes: close-y, brioche, suntan loti-y, etc.
"Across the whole Pacific Ocea-y!"

Yeah. Well, he got 100 points for that one. I don't know why either.

Moving on... Daytime Talk Show. With Alice in Wonderland. Which quickly devolves into Jerry Springer.
Truly the pinnacle of entertainment.

No points here.

Now: Props.

I'm not sure what this is supposed to be.

Brad almost gets points, but gives Drew a dirty look and receives nothing.

Next game is Film Dub. The original film is apparently a romantic western which involves a werewolf somehow.

Okay, somebody explain to me how this
image could possibly make any sense.

Colin gets 100 points because he wanted a perm. No, really.

Now we got to ESPN's Table Waiting Championships!
The sole purpose of Sportscasters is to make an epic event out of the most mundane events imaginable.

Next time you get a lousy waiter at Olive Garden*,
just be glad they're not these guys**.

Not worth any points though.

*Not meant as an insult to Olive Garden.
** Actually, It would be kind of awesome to have Colin and Ryan waiting on you in slow motion.

Ah, yes. The infamous Hoedown. About tourists and people who talk in theaters. Apparently Ryan is that tall guy who inevitably sits in front of you every time.

At least he doesn't talk on his cell phone.

Being tall gets you no points.

Final Tally:
Brad: 100
Karen: 1000
Colin: 100
Ryan: 0
Total: 1200

Colin and Ryan win, because, as Drew says, He likes them best. True enough, as Karen technically won, with 1000 points.

Cumulative points, Season 1, Episodes 1-5: 1003622.5

Extra bonus stuff:

Because it's Sunday, I'm going to rant about theology! Why? Because I have to write it somewhere or I'll forget. Don't complain about it; you don't have to read it. If I make a factual error of some kind feel free to point it out, but don't be a jerk about it.

Today's topic is the Omnipotence Paradox, which basically asks the question "Could an Omnipotent God" create a rock so big that he could not lift it?" Quite a few people use this as evidence that an omnipotent God cannot exist. As you can see on the Wikipedia page (if you take the time to read it), for years people have tried to come up with a satisfactory answer to this.

The most common explanations, at least ones that don't end with "therefore, God is not omnipotent", still tend to limit God's power in some way. "God can do anything that is not logically impossible" for instance. Of course, that isn't really omnipotence. Omni means "all", not "all situations except for [X]". So if we say that God is truly omnipotent, there must be another way to explain it.

My explanation for this is the same as Descartes' view: "God can create a rock so heavy that he cannot lift it, and then lifts it anyway." Obviously, this is not logically consistent. However, we really don't have any basis for assuming that a transcendent God would be bound by logic. The Christian (by this, I mean "that which the Bible teaches", not any of the many other traditions and beliefs with no biblical basis) perception of God is that He created (and transcends) everything. Logic included.

God more or less wrote the rules of logic, and therefore we cannot assume that he is bound by them. I'm not trying to imply that God is chaotic or illogical, just that the form of logic we use to reason does not necessarily apply to him. He can still be logical, but not follow our rules.

Think of someone who is writing the programming code for a computer game, like a form of A.I. The programmer is logical, and programs the A.I. to be logical, but is not bound to the rules that the A.I. has to follow. Saying that God cannot do something that we find illogical is like claiming that the programmer can't open a door because the code he's written doesn't contain information on doors.

So my answer to the paradox? "God creates a rock that's too heavy for Him to lift, and lifts it anyway. He's God. He can do that"

So there's another wall of text down. Go do something useful with your life.