The points are just like shirts to the Incredible Hulk.

Season 1, Episode 14


As usual, we begin this episode with "Lets make a Date", with Brad as a Latin American Soccer Announcer, Colin as the Incredible Hulk, and Ryan as Ian's daughter having a tantrum.

Brad manages to get himself nearly killed several times.

"HULK PIMP-SLAP!"

"HULK INDIFFERENT TO SUFFERING OF
LATIN AMERICAN SOCCER ANNOUNCER!"

"HULK IS BORED NOW. HULK WILL
NOW GO PLAY TOUHOU*!
THAT WILL SURELY CALM HULK'S NERVES!"

"HULK ABSCONDS WITH RYAN STILES!"

Okay, now that I've used up my allotted capital letters for the day, all that must be said is that everybody gets 1000 points.

Next up is Moving people, which supposedly has something to do with an earthquake of some sort during Ryan and Colin's honeymoon.

"The field goal is good!"

Colin and Ryan each get 1000 points.

Next is Weird Newscasters. Colin has a five second memory, Ian is Ricky Ricardo at his wits end, Ryan is the Wicked Witch of the West, and Colin has a five second memory.

Well, there's Ryan.

I see the resemblance.

Unfortunately, not good enough to get any points.

Moving is Greatest Hits: songs of the Ant Farmer. Both difficult to sing about and to actually get a decent picture of. Which is why you get this:

Really, is "Ant Farmer" even a real job?

Ryan, Colin, and Brad all get 1000 points.

The final scoring game is Party Quirks.

Ian is a gangster being riddled with bullets,

Being riddled with bullets, not having a seizure.

Colin is a bad tempered sperm looking for an egg.

There's really no way I'm putting up a picture of that.

Ryan is a bloodhound trained to sniff out complete idiots, leading to....

You knew this was coming.

Nobody gets points.

Final Tally:
Brad: 2000
Ian: 1000
Colin: 3000
Ryan: 3000
Total: 9000

Wow, not only do Colin and Ryan have the most points, but Drew actually declares them the winners! I guess the points actually do matter this time around.

Cumulative Total: Season 1, Episodes 1-14: 5,026,622.5

* The Touhou games, while a lot of fun and having awesome music, are not good games to play to calm yourself down. They are part of a genre which is known as "Bullet Hell", and for good reason. Think "Space Invaders" or "Galaga" but on steroids. For example this is typical Touhou level, taken from the game "Embodiment of Scarlet Devil". Keep in mind that a) this is only halfway through the game, and b) it is the "normal" difficulty level (read "what you play if you aren't that good"). Yeah, the Incredible Hulk should probably not play it, lest he destroy not only his computer, but the house the computer is in.

The points are just like pants to Tarzan.

Season 1, Episode 13

And we're back for another episode of Whose Line.

This episode starts off with a game of Questions Only, set in the Wild West.

It also apparently involves the Chicken Dance.

Ryan receives 100 points.

Wayne then sings a Prince song to Marie, who does aerobics.

Insert joke about "Artist formerly known as Wayne" here.

No points here, despite Wayne's best efforts.

Next up is a game of "Dead Bodies" involving a mock-up of "The Graduate" and a little old lady who's probably been traumatized.

I'm sure she's been through this many times.

No points, though. Also, when you try to go to sleep tonight, try to get this out of your head:

Good luck.

Maybe a game of sound effects featuring Colin as a hair dresser (irony, lol) will get some points.

Putting aside the fact that he's killed a bunch of
his customers, would you trust this man to
give you a haircut?

Nope. No points.

Lets try again, with Weird Newscasters. Colin is in a soap opera (so he has a long lost relative and amnesia), Wayne is a middle aged woman who is too proud of her body (try not to think about it), and Ryan is Tarzan.

The old Tarzan movies with
Johny Weissmuller.

And Ryan Stiles' interpretation of the character.

And finally some points are awarded...to the people sitting behind Drew, for really getting into it. It's better than no points, I guess.

We finish off the point section of the episode with everyone's favorite game, Hoedown. About birth.

I'm too tired to come up with a witty caption.
Even I would, it would probably suck anyway.

Final Tally:
Denny: 0
Wayne: 0
Colin: 0
Ryan: 100
People behind Drew: 100
Total: 200

Ryan and the People behind Drew tie for the win, but Colin and Ryan are named as the winners.

Cumulative Total: Season 1, Episodes 1-13: 5017622.5

The points are just like Atkins to a sumo wrestler.

Season 1, Episode 12

And we begin yet another episode of Whose Line, once again with a game of "lets make a date".

Brad is the guy from The Price Is Right who announces the showcases, Colin is the world's biggest glutton, and Ryan is a talking chicken who has trouble laying an egg. So a constipated chicken, basically.

"Om nom nom"

Ryan picks up 1000 points, despite being killed and eaten by Colin.

Next, Brad and Wayne sing a 60's rhythm and blues song to Dana, a Dental Hygienist (because "dentist" wasn't good enough, apparently).

"Dana, give me some Novocaine-a!”

Dana picks up 2000 points, taking the lead.

Colin then does a Newsflash concerning what appears to be monkeys having a snowball fight.

Pictured: Monkeys.

No points for Colin.
Although I will say that we need more tv shows that involve monkeys doing strange activities. Like jousting.

This is the first picture that came up
when I did a Google search for
"Jousting Monkeys". Although
I'm also quite curious about that
"Jesus Shaves" thing in the background.

Moving on....to Film, TV, and Theater styles: Birdman of Alcatraz.

Well, it superficially resembles Sumo Wrestling.

The audience takes the lead with 1,000,000 points.

Finishing up the show is a Telethon for NBA players. Because they need the cash.

These are not the NBA players.

No one gets anything out of this, least of all the NBA players.

Final tally:
Brad: 0
Wayne: 0
Colin: 0
Ryan: 1000
Dana: 2000
Audience: 1,000,000
Total: 1,003,000

The audience has the most points, but Wayne gets the victory.

Cumulative total: Season 1; episodes 1-12: 5,017,422.5

Bonus Theological Content: If you don't care about theology, go do something else.

Today's topic is sovereignty. People complain about God a lot. A lot.
"If God is good, why is there suffering?"
"Why didn't God make the world differently?"
"Why does my life suck?"
"Why is Disney still producing musical 'artists' "?

Really, that's presuming far too much. Can anyone really honestly say that they think they could do a better job? Let's assume that God is omniscient; that is, he knows all. Literally all. This means he has taken every possible factor into account. Can a finite person really claim to know better?

Then there's the matter of a lack of foresight. We complain about suffering in this world as if this world is all that matters. I would think that God is aware of more than that. Such as, oh...the afterlife, maybe? What suffering we put up with in this life may very well turn out to be largely irrelevant or minor in the grand scheme of things.

But that's just a side issue.

The real issue of sovereignty here is this: say that God really doesn't have any particular reason for making the world the way it is other than he wanted it that way? Can we really say that something is wrong with that? I don't think so. God defines "right" and "wrong". He could have created a world that was just one big fight to the death, purely for his own amusement, and it would still be, in the strictest sense, "right". God is not answerable to a "higher" standard. He is the standard.

Sure, we may not like it, but that does not make it "wrong". We wouldn't call the author of a book a bad person because he allows the characters in the book to suffer. Then why would we call God "bad" when he allows people in the world to suffer? Surely there is a greater gap between the being that quite literally defines reality and the lesser beings that he "wrote" from scratch. Even authors do not truly create characters; they merely build them out of existing materials; emotions and motivations. Do they really have any right to rebel against the author that wrote them?

Okay, rambling over. Go do something useful with your life.

The points are just like secondary characters to Captain Kirk

Season 1, Episode 11

Once again, we begin the episode with a game of Lets Make A Date.

Wayne is Bill Clinton, Colin is being eaten by army ants, and I'm not going to say what Ryan is, because I'm trying not to think about it.

And this is why.

All you need to know about Ryan is that Drew docks him 100 points.

Next up is Film, Tv, and Theater Styles; featuring Greg attempting to get Ryan's bees to stop attacking his cattle. Yes, I know, it makes no sense.

This is supposed to be Kabuki,
something which Greg and Ryan have
evidently never actually seen.

Greg gets 2000 points.

The Next game is Hats.

So where's Patrick Stewart?

Nobody gets any points for this one.

Moving on, we have Weird Newscasters. Greg is Captain Kirk:



Wayne is constantly speeding up and slowing down, and Ryan is a rock star:

That's what this is supposed to be.

500 points for everyone.

We finish up with Greatest Hits: Songs of the Postal Worker.

I really have nothing witty to say.

No points here.

Final Tally:
Greg: 2000
Wayne: 1,000,500 (he got one million points (for next show) in the last show, remember?)
Colin: 500
Ryan: 400
Total: 1003900

Wayne has the most points, but Colin and Ryan officially win.

Cumulative Total; Season 1, Episodes 1-11: 4,014,422.5

The points are just like earthquakes to an astronaut.

Season 1, Episode 10

This episode starts of with a Questions Only soap opera.

"I'd rather not have a real
man in my life, thanks."

Fortunately, not too many long lost relatives show up. Unfortunately, no one gets any points.

Next, Wayne sings a gospel song to Sheila the immigration worker.

"Can't stop my love from jumpin' your fence!'

Wayne gets 1,000,000 points...for the next show. I'll add them then. So functionally, he has no points for this game.

Now we have a Newsflash, which seems to feature the 1950's equivalent of Baywatch.

"Of course all these people
are from the senate."

And I thought that the country was in bad shape before...No points.

Drew also says that if you keep track of the points, you can enter a drawing and win a chance to watch Whose Line in the comfort of your own home. I would like you to know that I have won that drawing.

Moving on, we have Sound Effects, with Colin as an Eastern European Gymnast, who needs perfect scores.

Immediately preceding this pose was
the most graceful and beautiful
rhythmic gymnastics routine
ever performed.

Colin receives, no points, because he apparently doesn't know that events like discus throwing and pole-vaulting are track and field events. Although I'm sure combining track and field with gymnastics would certainly be interesting. Especially javelin throwing.

Newscasters is up next, with Colin being the target of rumors about his inability to be a good date.

"I didn't know your

shirt was flammable!"

Wayne also gets locked out of his car, and Ryan traumatizes a guy in the audience.

"Call me."

Everybody gets 1000 points for their trouble.

Last of all is Scene to Rap, which once again demonstrates the timeless truth that no one on Whoseline other than Wayne is capable of rapping.

They can, however, stop
and earthquake with the
power of Riverdance.

No points, though.

Final tally:
Wayne: 1000 (1,000,000 for next show)
Denny: 1000
Colin: 1000
Ryan: 1000
Total: 4000

It's a four way tie, and Denny is arbitrarily picked as the winner.

Cumulative total, Season 1, Episodes 1-10: 3,010,522.5

The points are just like an ice hockey rink in Tunisia.

Season 1, Episode 9

And it's time for yet another episode of Whose Line. This episode starts out with a game of Superheroes, and as usual, they are probably the most incompetent and completely-not-useful-at-all-to-have-in-a-crisis people ever. We have:

• Fruit and Vegetable Man (with the power to be more healthy than Beef and Pork Man, but slightly less healthy than the Whole Wheat Kid)
• Ice Hockey Kid (with the power to be like Happy Gilmore, only less annoying)
• Irate Film Director Boy (with the power to...basically be Colin Mochrie during a game of Hollywood Director)
• Playful Licking Puppy Boy (with the power of heart!*)

"Flaming Carrots of St. Sebastian!"

Well, this game certainly gave us what is quite possibly the best exclamation ever. I need to work that into my speech. Everyone gets 100 points except Colin, who gets -1000 for mentioning Pauly Shore.

Moving on, Wayne sings a Luther Vandross song about English Literature to Jennifer.
Hope Wayne knows his Chaucer and Tolstoy.

"I don't call if you call me Chaucer, or maybe Tolstoy!"

Okay, I guess he does. Man, is there anything that Wayne Brady can't do? He gets 1000000 points.

Next up is Weird Newscasters.

Greg is a Gremlin.

Wait, that's not right. They're probably talking about this.
Or maybe this.

You'd think if you were getting gnawed on like that,
you'd be more than slightly annoyed.

That's more like it.

Wayne is an overly emotional preacher at a funeral, and Ryan is being attacked by increasingly ferocious animals. Nobody gets any points though.

Next up is Greatest Hits: Songs of the Lifeguard.

Well, it's no Baywatch theme song, that's for sure.

Laura Hall gets 1000 points.

Closing the scoring portion of the episode is Party Quirks.

Wayne is rapidly aging, Colin is the many roles of Charlton Heston, and Ryan is an eagle struggling to lift heavy things, leading to the inevitable joke:

Yep, there it is.

No points for anyone, though Ryan should consider himself lucky he didn't go into the negatives.

Final Tally:
Greg: 100
Wayne: 1000100
Colin: -1000
Ryan: 100
Laura: 1000
Total points: 1000300

Wayne has more points than anyone else, but Greg wins, because Drew says so.

Cumulative Total: Season 1, Episodes 1-9: 3,006,522.5

*If you don't get it, watch this. When I was a kid I wanted to have the power of fire.

The points are just like an Aqualung to an octopus.

Season 1, Episode 8

And so we begin yet another episode.

Guess what game we're starting with. Yup. "Let's make a date". Wayne is an Italian Opera Singer, Colin turns into a pig, and we learn far more about Ryan's subconscious than we ever wanted to know. I will say no more concerning that, lest I have to scrape my brain off again.

It's not as disturbing in context, really.

Colin gets 1000 points.

Then Wayne begins to channel the spirit of Louis Armstrong, for the purpose of singing about swimming lessons. And yes, he manages to work some form of innuendo into it.

"If I was drowning would you
give me CPR?"

He also apparently thinks that Aqualungs are sexy. Or maybe he's just a fan of Jethro Tull.
Drew once again awards one million points...to Louis Armstrong.

Next up is props.

A chestburster from Alien as
envisioned by Dr. Seuss.

No points here, and also Colin and Wayne are disturbing as barnyard animals.

Also, Drew pities me for keeping track of the points. Doesn't bother me. If people pity you they're more likely to give you stuff for free.

Party Quirks is up next. Wayne is a pinball, Colin is a chicken with his head cut off, and Ryan is every Alfred Hitchcock movie ever.

It makes sense in context.

Colin gets 1000 points. I've seen a chicken get it's head cut off, and Colin pretty much nailed it.

The final scoring game is Greatest Hits: Songs of the Butcher. I will never be able to use a meat tenderizer without having to scour my mind afterwards.

Someone has certainly
been smoking something.

No points.

Final Tally
Wayne:0
Denny:0
Colin:2000
Ryan: 0
Louis Armstrong:1000000
Total: 1002000

Louis Armstrong wins, but he's not on the show, so Ryan and Colin pick up the win.

Cumulative Total: Season 1, Episodes 1-8: 2,006,222.5